Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
