he shaved USA in his pubs
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
