thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
