I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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