So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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