we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
