the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
