I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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