i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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