herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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