If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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