You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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