Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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