i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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