Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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