sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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