tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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