my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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