Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
