I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
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She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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