i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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