they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
