I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
