I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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