my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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