Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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