i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
