I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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