i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
