If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
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Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
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you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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