I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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