I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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