I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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