My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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