alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
