i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
