Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
