I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
