She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
