When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
