I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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