theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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