my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
