then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
