I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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