I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
