Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
