I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Randomize
