sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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