I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
