Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
