Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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