i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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