Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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