"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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