I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Ladies don't puke and tell
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
